Be Still...

So...not much is happening here lately.  And that's part of my problem.  See, for about the past 2 or 3 years (since we moved to our not-so-temporary little house) I have been in limbo.  I've been in "temporary mode" because we moved here with the intention of this home being temporary, in hopes of building a house.  We intended to build a home big enough to be able to open Katy's Hope--and big enough to adopt more children as the Lord lead...and it hasn't happened. 

Opportunities to adopt have come and gone--many many have come and gone, in fact.  There have been some weeks when we've had three or four children's bios come through our email inbox needing an adoptive family to take them in.  And of course, there are the many many international children who need families.  And we can't be it.  But it's the most burning passion in our hearts--to care for the orphan.  To open our home and hearts to children who don't have a family to call their own.  To bring a child HOME--so they no longer have to wait and wonder if they'll ever have a family--if they'll ever truly BELONG.  All that stands in the way is a bedroom or two.  Does that make sense to anyone?  A child living in an orphanage, eating maybe once a day, sharing a room with sometimes as many as 30 or more children...and what is keeping them from a forever family is an arbitrary number of kids per bedroom.  Hmmmm...enough of the rant.  Because that's not really what I intended to talk about.

What I DID intend to talk about was what God is teaching me.  Now, I'm not claiming to have completely gotten it yet, but I'm getting glimpses every so often of the bigger picture.  Of course, of that bigger picture, I only get to see corners and spots--I don't get the whole bigger picture, and likely never will until I get to heaven.  But right now, one of the things I'm learning is about contentment.  Contentment with my house to be sure, but also contentment with where we are in life.  Learning to just "BE" and not be "ON THE WAY TO" some other point.  In other words, living in THIS day and in THIS moment, and yes...even in THIS house, not always living as if I'm working toward the goal.  So, instead of living as if this is temporary, I am learning to live as if this is it..because for now, it is; and this could be IT for a while and maybe forever.  Who knows?  Not me.  But God does. 

I'm learning that just because God isn't making the vision of Katy's Hope come to pass right now doesn't mean that it won't ever happen.  It just means that now is not the time; He has more work to do behind the scenes (in my heart or in the hearts of others) to make things ready.  Knowing this doesn't mean that I'm not frustrated daily by the lack of "movement," but I am more able to talk myself down from the frustration!     

My trip to Haiti definitely has played a part in my feelings about my house.  I am so much more thankful for our home and I feel so much less "entitled" to a bigger, "better" house.  When I think back to the tent cities, and even truly to most of the permanent homes in Haiti, I am able to see how comparably nice, even luxurious, our home is; though by US standards our house is trailer park material.  But I can be okay with that.  That is really just a pride issue anyway.  Everyone wants a nice house and in America, we are conditioned to think that our homes are supposed to look like the ones in the Better Homes and Gardens or Southern Living magazines.  And if our homes DON'T look like that, we are conditioned to believe that we are somehow "less than" or that our house is less of a home.  Bull crap.  My house is a home.  We live, love, share, grow and learn here.  It's a home.  Furthermore, if it DID look like HOUSE BEAUTIFUL, my kids would not be able to create the "happy messes" sparked by their creativity and various experiments and projects.

Like I said, I can be okay with not looking like magazine material.  What I have a hard time being okay with is that there are KIDS who NEED a place to be and a family to call their own and I CAN'T PROVIDE THAT BECAUSE OF THE SIZE OF MY HOUSE.  Yes, therein lies my frustration!  And that's what I'm having to lay at the foot of the cross.  I'm having to trust that if the Lord intends that we grow our family or that we move forward with Katy's Hope that HE will provide...that He will bring a buyer for our other house...that He will somehow make a way where there is NO WAY.  Because He CAN. 

So, in the meantime, I have to trust that we are right where He wants us.  I can live in the NOW because I know that if He wants us somewhere else, He'll get us there.  He doesn't need my worrying or stressing to accomplish anything.  It's not helpful.  My job is to do what He has set before me.  Love and teach and nurture the children He has given me.  Be a good steward of the home and resources that He has blessed us with!  All He needs from me is my heart, willing to BE STILL AND KNOW THAT HE IS GOD.  So I will.  Well, at least I'll try.