What I've Learned Living in a Small House...

About 3 or 4 years ago now, Harold and I bought this piece of property--about 7 acres give or take, it is very wooded and private.  It's way out in the middle of God's country and we L-O-V-E it!  Our kids L-O-V-E it.  Even our dogs are happy here.  When we bought it, we were so enamoured with it, we called it "The Promised Land"--for indeed it is the perfect place to raise our large, active family.  Our kids have thrived here, having the ability to spend their days exploring God's creation, chasing squirrels, watching bugs, and observing the trees as they grow and change with the seasons.

When we first bought the property, it was just woods.  Very densely-wooded woods.  We cleared the land, had a well dug, and hooked up to the electricity.  Our intent was to build a house that would accommodate our family. 

We had lots of ideas about what our house would be like, and the main component was LOTS of open space, and a nice LARGE kitchen and dining area.  We never wanted each child to have his or her own bedroom, preferring instead to have at least 2 to a bedroom (for many reasons--but mostly because we like the sense of "community" fostered by the sharing of their intimate spaces).  So we had 2 or 3 drawings of ideas for our would-be house.  What we didn't (and still don't) have was money to build.  We needed to sell our other house first.

So, not wanting to wait till we sold the other house to get out to the land, we bought a single wide mobile home to put on the property "temporarily" until we got our "big house" built.  We would squish us all into it and "make do" for the few months it would take to get our house built.  Uh-huh...And here we still are, 2 years later. 

We have 3 bedrooms and 10 people--somehow we make it work.  Our wonderful dining room table that my mom and dad gave us, which seats up to 12 people, actually fits in the kitchen area!   Our big sectional, a recliner, and a rocking chair all fit nicely in the living room.  And the hallway has space for 2 large book cases. 

I'm not going to lie.  Even though all of our NEEDS are accommodated in this little home, living in a small house has been hard for me.  Having to move my dirty clothes in order to do laundry (because the only place to sort them is in the 4 ft square area in front of the washer and dryer), having to move my clean, folded clothes to set the table (because the only place to fold the clothes is the kitchen table which is about 4 feet away from the washer and dryer), having to move my large pots and pans in order to cook or do laundry (because the only place for my large pots and pans is either on top of the dryer or in and on top of the stove)...that's all been very frustrating to me.  I'm one of those people who like for every item to have a permanent home, so this constant moving around of stuff is hard, not to mention inconvenient--and inconvenient is uncomfortable--and I crave comfortable, don't we all?

But I'm learning.  Slowly.  I'm learning that my life doesn't have to be comfortable.  God never said my life would be comfortable.  He never said that I would be able to get through a day without having inconveniences and frustrations.  He said my needs would be provided for.  And they are.  There is nothing my family needs that we don't have in our small house--at least not today.  I am certain that when the day comes that our family needs more than this little house can provide for us, God will make sure we have a house that will fill the bill--he's good like that, providing for our needs just at the right time. 

I'm learning.  Learning that just because my house is small doesn't make it any less "HOME".  My home, though small, is still a haven for my family--it is where my children grow and learn, where Harold and I confide in one another and nurture our children together.  It is where our family has movie nights and plays games.  It's where I prepare meals and wash clothes, give baths, and read stories.  It is where we offer shelter and respite to friends or acquaintances who need a "home away from home" for a bit.  It's where we live and love, grow and give, pray and play--together.

This little house might not be pretty--I don't kid myself.  It's nothing fancy to look at for sure.  It needs a good paint job and it has lots of quirks--quirks that on some days make me think I'm going to lose my flippin' mind...but slowly...ever-so-slowly, I'm learning to look at living here from a different perspective.  And I'm learning to like the view.  Who knows how temporary our stay in our small house will be?  We could be here for several more months, or several more years.  Only God can move our other house and get it sold in this economy.  What I do know is that we are a closer family (and not just proximity-wise) for having lived in our small house.  Our small house has taught us to improvise, share, make-do, create, wait, organize, plan, pare-down and prioritize.  We've learned that we have to not only respect each other's space, but be willing to share our own personal space.  Who knew our small house could teach us so much?  This Thanksgiving season, I'm thankful for my small house that shelters my family and keeps us closer.  Even moreso, I'm thankful for the memories that will no doubt remain for many years, that we have made while living right here, in our small home.  

THANK-ful for CHRIST-mas...

Now, normally, I'm the one you'll hear loudly complaining all the way through Wal-Mart about "why they have to get the Christmas stuff out sooooo early... can't they wait till we get Thanksgiving out of the way, first," et cetera ad nauseum. But this year, I've gotten in the Christmas mood a bit early. I got my shopping mostly out of the way last week, and that really boosted the Christmas quotient for me. It got me started thinking about the tree and decorations...and of course the music.

I had a hard time convincing myself it'd be okay to buck my own tradition of putting up the tree the weekend after Thanksgiving (most years--some years a bit later). I argued with myself a bit, and polled my kids for their opinions, trying to figure out what I should do. But the more I rolled around in my mind what Thanksgiving would be like with Christmas decorations already up, somehow, it just seemed right and good--in fact, better than good.

I can't imagine a better reminder of exactly WHAT we have, as Christians, to be THANKFUL for. We are thankful for not just our earthly blessings, but the very fact of Christ's birth and everything He came to earth to do for us. Really, Thanksgiving is such a fitting segue into the Christmas season, isn't it? Almost makes me wish I hadn't done all that complaining walking through Wal-Mart...it just might be that they had it right all along and they didn't even know it.

Oh yeah, the best part is...my kids are now officially big enough and capable enough that all I had to do was choose which Christmas music to put on and mix up the hot cocoa. They took care of hauling everything in from the shed and putting the tree together and decorating it! Love it!

NOW we are ready for giving some real THANKS!!!

Heaven in the Face of my Baby Girl...

Sometimes you hear a song that captures your heart--that says just what you would say if you had the gift of words.  This is one such song for me.  Our hearts broke, along with the rest of the nation's, for the Chapman family when they lost their daughter, Maria, a year or so ago.  I wondered at the time how that tragedy would be translated into his music--I knew it would, indeed had to be--just as any artist's life experiences eventually are expressed and "worked through" in the medium of his chosen art form.  And here is part of the answer to my question.   



Now watch the video and listen to the lyrics of this awesome song!



Often, when I imagine my first moments in Heaven, I imagine my little Katy Lu meeting me there, at the "pearly gate", and taking me by the hand to introduce me to all the friends she's made, and showing me around the place, just like Steven Curtis Chapman described his thoughts of his Maria.  So sweet how he expresses his memories of Maria.  I have no doubt he saw heaven in the face of his little girl.  I distinctly remember seeing heaven in my little girl's sweet angel face, too. 

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig...

In a happy turn of events yesterday afternoon, we were proclaimed FREE!  The neurologist came in to see MaKenzie and told us that indeed, she is having seizures.  We discussed treatment options and made followup appointments for her to be seen in clinic.  As the doctor was leaving, we asked if she would need to stay in the hospital for observation as she started her new medicine.  He said, "Well, she can have seizures as easily at home as here, so I see no reason for her to stay."  Love the honesty there. :)  Really, he said it with as much kindness as he could, it was just funny to me.

So, we're home.  We suspected that MaKenzie would be more motivated to improve here at home than there in the hospital.  It has been great to see her and Jared playing together.  This morning, Jared came over to MaKenzie and said, "MaKenzie, how is your head feeling?  Better?"  And MaKenzie said, "Yeah, I'm better." 

Their relationship is so precious.  Mom told me that all day yesterday (before we came home) Jared was kind of 'down' and kept saying he wanted to go to bed.  I wish everyone could have seen his reaction when he saw MaKenzie come through the door.  When the nurses asked her who her best friend was, she answered, "Jared".  And it's the truth.  They are twins through and through--incomplete without each other.

So, for now, we are continuing to encourage MaKenzie to rest and we are keeping a close eye on her.  This morning, her balance and coordination actually DO seem improved, as do her eyes and speech.  Hopefully that will be a continued trend for her.  We so much appreciate everyone's prayers while we were in the hospital with her and we hope you will continue to keep her in your prayers as she recovers. 

Another day in our luxury suite...

(Beautiful MaKenzie on Tuesday shortly after her surgery before she went downhill--fast.)

We were moved out of ICU to a regular room on the floor yesterday (Wednesday)  late in the afternoon.  MaKenzie spent most of her day sleeping, which at this point is a good thing.  She needs to heal and repair.  She's eating and drinking great, and they stopped her IV fluids and just left the IV in and hep-locked.

Her shunt problems continue to be better, however, she still cannot sit up straight without falling over.  Walking is something she won't be doing much of until she's MUCH better.  Her conversational abilities are closer to normal, however, she's a little slower than usual and is having vocabulary issues.  For example, we were watching the Andy Griffith show and she knew all the characters, but after one of the characters told the other character to "STOP," she turned to Harold and said, "Daddy, what does 'stop' mean?" 

So, normal hasn't returned yet--not by a long shot, and they are going to decide what to do about that today, I hope.  We haven't resigned ourselves yet to the fact that we may be going home with a different little girl, but that well may be a reality.  Her primary doctor says he believes she'll regain what she's lost.  Even if she IS having seizures, I think it's possible that lots of the things we're seeing have been brought about by the utter exhaustion and over-exertion she has been dealing with. Her little body has gone through so much.  Perhaps after her body has a chance to recuperate, we will see more of her normal behavior.

Regardless, we are here for another day and praying we will find answers--praying, too, that we will be able to come home SOON.  We are missing the rest of the children like crazy and the visitation rules have changed due to swine flu fears to now only allow parents or grandparents--and even then only 2 people at a time in the room with the patient.  An almost ludicrous rule (even though ultimately, I do understand an appreciate it) for a family like ours--so many of us and so used to being all together all the time.  I'm longing for my family to be all together under one roof again--but so thankful that at least I know they are all safe and sound. 

One of the hard things about being in the Peds' ICU is seeing the grieving families.  We know all too well the pain of the parents who walk out of that unit without a child to take back home with them.  I don't think there was ever an emptier feeling than driving out of the UK parking structure the night Katy went to be with Jesus.  Anyhoo...just a good reminder to myself that even though we are dealing with some potentially serious issues with MaKenzie, there are lots of other families facing much more life-threatening problems with their children and while that doesn't minimize our issues, it does help me put them in perspective.

MaKenzie is not herself...

We are still in the Peds' ICU with MaKenzie.  Yesterday, she gave us quite a scare.  She wouldn't wake up at all and her respirations were very erratic, sometimes going as low as 5-7 per minute.  I knew things were serious, but it was still scary when they brought out the equipment to intubate her and had the crash cart ready to go.  Thankfully she finally perked up and she didn't have to be intubated.

Although she is definitely doing better than yesterday, she continues to baffle us and the doctors.  She is still quite sleepy.  When she is awake, she has a hard time maintaining a conversation (if you know her, you know this is NOT NORMAL!!!).  When she is talking, she slurs her words or uses the wrong words altogether and she cannot sit up without falling over.  If I didn't know better, I'd say someone had slipped her something alcoholic.  I've never actually seen a drunk 7 year old, but I'm fairly certain she is what that would look like. 

It is unclear why she is having the difficulties she's having. From a neurosurgical standpoint, she is doing okay.  But she is most certainly not herself.  She's not in much pain per se.  She does have a bit of pain at her incision site, and some general scalp tenderness, but I think that's completely normal given the circumstances.

It is frustrating for Harold and me to hear the docs say, "Well, she looks good, so let's just keep an eye on her."  I realize they're saying that she doesn't have any more symptoms of shunt failure, but as I said, these new developments are so not her.   They did an EEG this morning and started some anti-seizure meds, as they are suspecting some seizure activity, which would definitely be a new development for her.  We will hear the results of that this afternoon.

Harold and I have been trying to get her to rest as much as possible, hoping that her body will do it's healing thing as she sleeps.  It's been a hard couple months for her.  She had the shunt revision on August 31, ear surgery on September 5, then the two revisions two weeks ago, and the revision yesterday.  Not many people I know have 5 surgeries in such a short time span.  Not many people I know could have that many surgeries and still smile--although she is slowly losing her sweet personality. 

She finally had had it yesterday and yelled at a couple of the doctors and told them in no uncertain terms that they were NOT to touch her anymore because they were hurting her.  While it was heartbreaking on one hand, it was refreshing to actually see her stand up for herself--something she is not likely to do usually.  She normally just takes what is handed to her and smiles about it.  I think she's done that long enough.  It's time for her to feel better and be done with the pokes, prods, needles, and invasive exams.  It's time for her to be home with her brothers and sister.  It's time for her to ask me, "Mommy, do you know why I love you?" and to ask her Daddy, "Daddy, why's your head so big?"  It's time to roll my eyes when she starts up a long complicated conversation with a complete stranger.  It's time to see the familiar light of her sweet spirit shining in her eyes.  Soon, I pray...

"Pray for me, Mommy!"

Here we are again.  MaKenzie's headaches haven't let up since she had her last shunt revision 10 days ago, so we brought her back today.  The CT scan revealed that this shunt has also stopped working effectively, so we are indeed looking at another surgery.

Today her pain was much worse than it has been up to this point, so I'm glad we made the decision to come.  While we were waiting for the CT scan this afternoon, she was hurting so badly she would scream out in pain every few minutes.  Finally, she screamed, "Pray for me, Mommy!  Pray for me!"  That's when I lost it. 

I've been in pain a couple times in my life.  My reaction was always, "Make it go away!" or "Do something for me."  I don't know that it has ever been "Pray for me."  But, MaKenzie, with her childlike faith and pure loving heart knew exactly where to go to find relief--straight to her heavenly Father--the ultimate healer. 

The plan is for surgery to be around 7:30 in the morning (give or take).  So if you read this, and you think of her, would you pray for her?  Pray that the doctors will have wisdom and clarity of mind, that their hands would be guided by the Great Physician at every step of the procedure.  Pray that MaKenzie will have relief, that we will see her sweet, smiling, gregarious personality shining in her eyes again.  And while you're at it, won't you say a quick prayer for all the other families that are here?  The hospital is so full we didn't get a "real" room until around 9:00 tonight.  Lots of little ones sick and lots of worried and scared Mommas & Daddies who could use our prayers.  Thank you all.